I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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