Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
