I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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