I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
