I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize