You just made me feel so damn special
it was like his penis was on wheels.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
50% drunk capacity currently
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
