its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
