omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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