did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
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So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
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She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I want a musical about memes.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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