I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
