John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
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You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
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So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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