peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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