Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm gonna fight the coyote
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It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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