I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
