I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
