I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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