I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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