Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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