i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
