Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
