Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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