is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
