I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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