Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
