Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
