Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
how drunk are you?
Several
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
