It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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