I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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