so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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