the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
