my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
