Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
