Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
