Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
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Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
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My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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