I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
