She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
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i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
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We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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