You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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