I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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