so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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