The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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