You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
