thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
