she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Randomize
