Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
