TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
