The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
