Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
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My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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