I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
