We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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