i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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